embarassment (or that one day i was rich)

Reading a magazine in the same month it was issued

Sunset

A quality nap

A long run in great weather

Tomatoes from the garden

Laughter until it hurts

or you pee

Please don't pity

the out-of-work

please don' call me a

"starving artist"

those of you who know my appetite

have seen it in action

know that I 

don't like to starve

have never starved

don't aspire to starve

there will be food

and all necessities

what I am willing to sacrifice

when income is slim

includes vacations

new clothes

main/pedis

babysitters

and dining out

i can hunker down,

go on "wallet lockdown"

as long as necessary,

and make 1,000

calls letters emails and meetings

to secure health insurance

so we do not have to fear

a trip to the doctor

or heaven forbid,

the hospital.

and when the job appears

the work sells

the money comes in,

we dine out

I replace my shoes

occasionally buy fresh flowers

new toys 

a scooter

a bike

and the wine rack

has company

the wine rack is a pretty good indicator of household income.

This time

in history

-personal and otherwise-

is not so great

-financially and otherwise-

i am among so many unemployed

and while i am not stranger to unemployment

I am not familiar

with 

this

pervasive

un-opportunity.

one by one

the little soldiers that fight to keep 

the accounts balanced

dropped

dead

from Covid-19

my employers were forced to shut down

one

then

another

then

another

then

from one of my sturdiest soldiers:

"closing our doors permanently"

well,

it had been a good fight

and while the soldiers are dead

the resources remain

i mean,

my fingers still type

my laptop still works

did I ever tell you about the time I fell asleep writing and my dear husband brought my wine over and placed it beside me -and the laptop- and when I woke with a start, I knocked the wine over onto the laptop?

i was unemployed at that time, too

and a very new mother

and that was the end of that laptop

and the fucking wine, too.

There was another laptop,

the one before the one that went the way of wine

and it died a much sadder death,

a victim of sexual misconduct

(no, it was not my misconduct)

it was the misconduct of a mentally ill actor

who relieved himself

on the screen of my Apple iBook g-4

it was quite a statement

and 

years later

in response 

I said 

me too

and

me too

said my poor computer.

and to my computer

i said

"yes,

you too"

But here,

now,

I still have my machine

which I keep far away from beverages

and other . . . fluids

and there are other things

things of value

collected

received as gifts

that confuse my low-income 

(no income?)

status

how can a household with over twenty 

Crate & Barrel dish towels be poor?

There was that one day

in the midst of pandemic lockdown

out of work

and with no income

waiting on a royalty check 

that was stuck in an office that no one was entering...

when i was rich.

for months, I had been part of two produce delivery services:

one mails me a box of ugly organic produce for $26.50 a week

--and sometimes it's not even ugly--

the other, "Brighter Bites" offers two bags of produce 

to any family at my daughter's school who signs up.

they call it "rescued produce."

we signed up, and i have made it my mission

to see that every bite of produce 

nourishes someone in my home or another.

on my watch, no squash will go unrescued!

lots of pickles, people

lots of slaw. . .

one day I handed out seven giant cucumbers at the playground

(it was a weird gesture

but met with smiles.)

Originally families collected their produce at the school on Fridays,

but once schools closed, Brighter Bites

got volunteers with cars

and brought the produce to the homes of families that still wanted it.

I cried on the phone 

when they called to tell me.

That these two services,

which somehow both arrive on Tuesdays,

rescued me from trips to the grocery store,

and that one of them was free,

was an absolute pandemic game-changer.

On the day that I was rich,

i was the only one awake

--fully caffeinated and 

riding the adrenaline waves

of cardiovascular exercise

so the sparkling of the moment

may have been somewhat induced--

and i had just read an email 

reporting that a writing project of mine

would get some exposure

there was no money offered

over a year went into 

creating that piece

and not a penny earned

or promised

and yet

i was elated

functioning!

important!

valued!

It must have been a Wednesday

because

I looked down at the kitchen counter

overflowing with tomatoes, zucchini,

apples, squash, potatoes, onions,

and a jar full of water

which held two giant 

proud and pretty

pink roses

cut fresh from their bushes

and given to us by our neighbors

and i thought

look at me

i'm rich